Shabamzy Advice #315: Your own T.V. show

Shabamzy Advice #315:  If you had your own T.V. show or Movie.  What would it be about and what would it be called?

Maybe you're a handy person and would start your own "how to fix heavy machinery" show.  You could play an international psychic spy who kills only with rare italian noodles.   Whatever you want! 

The question here is how would you like to see yourself portrayed in the public eye. How fantastic or personable do you see yourself being if you could control all the aspects of yourself.  What really interests you? 

For me,  you'd be watching a show on guitar players who learn how to fly simply by playing so fast it retards gravity.  

Shabamzy Advice #314: Making out with yourself

Shabamzy Advice #314: If there was an exact version of you. Not a clone, an exact, perfect copy with your same thoughts and desires.  Would you make out with yourself and how far would you go?  

Are we talking a little smooch to see if you're a good kisser?  Would you round the bases and get a Feel for what your body is like?   Maybe the thought disgusts you. You'd be the same gender and maybe you wouldn't even touch yourself with a stick.  

Though...  many of us do, from time to time, handle their own merchandise and it's not considered odd. So does it make a difference if it's another You touching You?  

Can you picture yourself rounding third?  Sweaty with love in your eyes?  Or would it be just for the experiment?  Just to see what other people experience when they are with you.   You'd learn so much I believe but at what cost morally or physically?  Would there be repercussions if you liked it too much. If no one else could satisfy you from then on?

Yeah, it's troubling for some of you to think about it. If you're really against it could that mean you don't like yourself or find yourself attractive.  No one would ever know. You wouldn't rat on yourself.  

If you're near a mirror, take a second to picture it.  See what your face looks like when it comes in for a kiss.  If you don't enjoy the image or think it looks bad, that is exactly what someone else sees when you pucker up.

Now in your mind, watch yourself hitting a home run.  how about that delicate slide into fifth base?  

Too far?  You tell You...  would you be gentle or take yourself like you were storming a castle?  

So tell me,  Yuck or Yum?

Shabamzy. 

Shabamzy Advice #313: Five years in the future

Shabamzy Advice #314:   Describe the clothing will you be wearing on this day five years from now. 

Will you have changed your style?  Do you think they will come out with a completely new type of clothing like the moon suits from Bill and Ted's Excellent adventure?  Maybe you think you'll still be naked in bed, eating chips and unemployed.  Anything is possible.   

Are you moving up in the world and right now you're in torn jeans and a tee but in five years you'll be in a tailored pant suit with shoulder pads?  

It's pure fantasy so spice it up folks,  walk me down the runway of your mind and let loose an outfit that turns the ladies heads or makes the fella's jeans get tighter.  

The question plays on your insight into the future you and the modes and trends in fashion.  

Hit me hard with it.

Shabamzy 

Shabamzy Advice #312: Why don't you just kill me instead?

Shabamzy Advice #312:  If you were forced to choose Only one of these things to experience for the rest of your life which would you pick; Music or Sex? 

Whatever you give up is gone completely and for good. You would Not be able to do it, feel it, hear it, see it or anything. 

For Sex, it would be as though you had Barbie or Ken doll smooth plastic crotches.  All viewing material would be blurred and scrambled. You would lose your drive and desire and no one would flirt with you. If you don't already have kids you would have to adopt. Your lover is now just your love. 

For Music, no more of your favorite bands, no more concerts with friends.  No music at your wedding or in any movies. Nothing when you work out, No lullabies to your children.  You lip sync in the car to the buzz of the air conditioner.  

So, what do you give up.

I know this hurts.

Shabamzy. 

Shabamzy Advice #311: Punch a flying pony

Shabamzy Advice #311: If you could fight any mythical creature which one would you fight and why?

You could take on the Kraken from the top of a mountain. Head to Transilvania and stake Dracula or maybe drop kick an endless host of Ewoks. It's your call.  I'd like to know why you'd go toe to toe/claw/hoof with your chosen monster and what weapons you'd bring along?   

Did the movie Aliens scare the crap out of you as a kid and now you want a round with the Queen Biatch?  Some swift rabbit punches to her baby spawning tummy perhaps? 

So what's it going to be?  Who will you slay?

Shabamzy.

Shabamzy Advice #310: J as in Jungleboogie

Shabamzy Advice #310: What's in your name?

We've all done it on the phone.  Spelling out your name and using a word that starts with the same letter to make sure the person understood it correctly.  After a particularly dim individual just couldn't get my name right even with the extra word clues on the phone I found myself wondering if it would help if I jazzed up the words a bit for impact.   So take a moment and follow along with cool words of your own.

JUSTIN

J as in Jungleboogie
U as in Upskirt
S as in Sumpin Sumpin
T as in Tiger rodeo
I as in Intervenes drugs
N as in Narwhal (the greatest animal on earth!)

Picture yourself knocking those out to some spud cruncher from the phone company that needs your name fifteen times so they can pedal their horrendous crap (Rocket stick I'm looking at you) and getting a well deserved laugh.

Shoot me a message with your name spelled out this way.

Shabamzy.

Shabamzy Advice #309: Jailbreak!

Shabamzy Advice #309:  How close would you have to be with someone to aid and abed them if they broke out of prison.

Are you the danger seeker who would help an old high school classmate you used to toke with in the forest behind the portables?  If you got that call late at night that he/she'd be sprung and needed clothes, money and a gun would you assist?

Now how about a real close friend. Your best buddy in the world broke out and needs a syringe so he can drug a bank guard and get enough money from the heist to live like a rap star in the Bahamas.  Do you call the cops and have his criminal ass tossed back in the slammer?  Or do you risk the hard time yourself and fly down with him.   What part of you wants to live that story?  Are you morally straight enough to send him back.

Last, your Mom did some bad things in her life and spends her days sitting on a cold cot in her cell. One day she shows up in an orange coverall and needs your rent money?   Now do you aid her, or are you on that blackberry doing the 911 dance?

Where along the scale of morality are you with these things?

Shabamzy.

Shabamzy Advice #308: Invent a stretch

Shabamzy Advice #308:  Create and name a new stretch.

For most people stretching is something that should come naturally but does not. It can run the gambit from awkward, painful, embarrassing, and pitiful to the yoga and 5 year old girl range of freakishly flexible, smooth, relieving and healthy.    It's time you had a stretch that you not only enjoyed doing, but also has a bitchin' name and can be done anywhere.  

We do know that yoga stretches already have cool names like downward dog. 
and Cobra!  Pretty much anything with Cobra in it is fantastic.


Now it's your turn to think for a moment what stretch you can do whereever you are right now. If you're in an office chair consider something called the "Mindless Coworker" and tilt your head from side to side like you don't understand a single word anyone says. Similar to a dog that pretends it understood the last word you told it.

You could also sit in that office chair and spread your legs far apart.  Really stretch that out.  We call that the "What is the naughty secretary doing to Johnson's Johnson?" or for the ladies "Having Javier flip through your files."

Let me know what stretch you'd like to invent and what you'd name it.

Shabamzy.

Shabamzy Advice #307: Spooning

Shabamzy Advice #307: Picture yourself spooning everyone you have ever spooned before all at once.

First, for those who may not know what spooning is:

The one at the front of the line is the little spoon and the one at the back is the big spoon. I also like to call them teaspoon or tablespoon.  We call all multiple spooning 3 people or greater a Cutlery Drawer.  

Now,  how amazing or awkward would it be to have all your past lovers, friends and potentially family members (depending on how close you are with your siblings) all spooning in one spot?   Would it be better or worse if you got to choose the order?  Would you put yourself first and work back chronologically? Maybe you'd want to be right in the middle, alternate boy/girl boy/girl or work outwards based on hotness.  

Draw a little map or spooning arrangement and enjoy these reckless thoughts.  Who would you have to keep at least one or two bodies away from each other?  And who would you have to keep so far apart in line they never knew the other was there? 

The question becomes, what does your Cutlery Drawer look like?  

Shabamzy 

Shabamzy Advice #306: Missing Persons

Shabamzy Advice #306: Ever wonder who would care about you if you just vanished?  Would there be a search party with police and dogs, an all night vigil with candles and home made cards praying for your return?

Well I don't know either, so if you're feeling lonely or unappreciated make a missing person sign for yourself and have it plastered around town.  You want a picture that says "I had a happy life and would like to return to it."  Something from a birthday party or wedding works best.  Leave out a reward in case that is the deciding factor for the person trying to find you.  We all have that friend.

Leave your cell phone number to call with information on your whereabouts or calls for hope and well wishes for your return.

Who do you think would be the first to call?

Shabamzy.

Shabamzy Advice #305: Fear of Travel

Shabamzy Advice #305: What countries would you be afraid to travel to and why?

The issue here is what makes people afraid, is it the language barrier?  Do you feel the country is unsafe and if so why?  People work on their own biases about why a country is dangerous or undesirable but I wonder if anyone has the actual statistics or real first hand knowledge regarding level of safety?

In my head, Bolivia is dangerous because of drugs wars, my lack of spanish and getting kidnapped. I have no hard data that says this will happen, I just think it from small news stories, people talking and some images i've seen on T.V.   There is a good chance I'm correct and it's more dangerous than Canada.  But how much More dangerous statistically I don't know.

Your brain can trick you into believing a place that might otherwise be a great adventure is off limits for you.  Hopefully you can work around this and take some risks.

Thoughts?

Shabamzy

Shabamzy Advice #304: Regarding Remembrance Day

Shabamzy Advice #304: If you were part of any battle that has occurred in human history. Which one would you choose? WWI? Waterloo? Thermopylae? 

The idea here is to picture yourself in actual combat. Something most people have never experienced. Feel the fear and adrenaline mix with the horror of people in pain.  Take away the movie images and video game violence and try to listen to the sounds of guns and dying.  It should make you sick a little.  With modern warfare we can remove the person to person contact of stabbing, hacking, the clash of shields. Yet picture yourself holding a spear and driving it through someone else. 

What glory do real soldiers feel when they have killed to survive. I'm not sure, perhaps a real soldier can elaborate.  Is there a thrill or joy when your side wins?  Do you experience any pride when you've overcome the final test of mortal combat? I'd really like to know.

Can we on this November 11th imagine ourselves in the midst of war beside the veterans we see in the streets, the veterans in our families and the soliders we have on bloody soil right now.  Thank them for your freedom, the warm place you are sitting to read this and the fallen; the brothers and friends who fell beside them.  Thank them and remember them.

Shabamzy.